It's that moment.  The first kiss with a new someone.  You've thought about it all night, trying to guess when it will happen and what it will be like.  You've fantasized about a slow, gentle, perfect kiss and it's about to be the real thing when, oh, wait... that's not very nice.... no that's TERRIBLE!  What could be worse than a bad kisser? 

The first kiss sets the tone for whatever is going to come next, and if it isn't tolerable, there won't really be much else.  And I don't know many people who are comfortable enough saying, "Whoa, back it up there.  You're a bad kisser, so let me help you out." I think it's time we uncover the kissing dilemma.  If I was a bad kisser, I'd want some advice.  

Here are the top five offenses we, as purebred college students, are guilty of when we make out (in no particular order):

1. The Slobber: It’s terrible. The boy seems to hit every spot on your face with his tongue except your mouth. You’ve got saliva on your nose, across your cheek, under your chin, everywhere. Do you remember what it was like to be licked by a giant, drooling dog when you were little? Well, now you do. And the guy usually thinks this is hot, grinning at you as if he just introduced you to a whole new world of kissing. He did: you went home with an entire chapped face.  Beware of this guy or girl in the frats, a few drinks too many constitutes this kind of make-out session.

2. The Dart Fish: When I was sixteen I had a boyfriend who could not sensibly control his tongue in my mouth. I literally felt like there was a little minnow attacking my mouth, and, to make matters worse, I was sitting on a couch and attempting to move my head back in disgust resulted in sinking deeper into the cushion and more ferocious darting. Who could possibly enjoy that? Isn’t kissing supposed to be sensual and slow, or passionate without being annoying?  The over-enthusiastic college freshman might be the one to be guilty of this smooching faux-pas.  Can't you just imagine two nerds combining this with the slobber? 

3. The Bad Breath/Food Breath: Note to men: if there’s a funky taste in your mouth, there will be a funky taste to your kissing. Nothing is worse than when you actually want to be making out with a guy who’s a pretty decent kisser, but doing so means suffering through stank breath with the overpowering taste of onion from dinner’s salad course. It’s rude!  This usually happens after a dinner date... or if you meet up with your boo after he's been to snacking on beer munchies while watching the football game with his boys.  Those little Listerine pocket pack strips work wonders, but don’t expect every guy to realize that. Another little post-it: if you want a little morning delight, get up first and brush your teeth, please! 

4. The Soul Patch Beard Burn: That same boy who had the darting tongue also had a soul patch—that little patch of hair under the lip that only works on a few guys. He was able to pull it off, but unfortunately, it also pulled off a little of my face. It’s embarrassing to have your mom mention you might need a little moisturizer on your chin, and then smirk at you because she knows it’s from making out with your boyfriend. Moral of the story is: be gentle. If you’re going to have rough and tough facial hair, try not to be rough and tough on our faces. Hipsters, I'm looking at you!

5. The Chronic Biter: And finally, the kisser who seems to be on a mission to leave hickeys on every square inch of your body. I’m not against one or two small love bites that result from the heat of passion, but don’t leave a trail. No matter what us girls try to do to cover them up, someone will see, and the stream of witty remarks begins. I don’t need to go to class on Monday looking like someone threw punches at my neck and chest, thank you very much. Nibbling is acceptable, even desired in some circumstances. Leaving your mark on my body over and over is not.  This person is usually either over- or under- experienced, because let's face it: if you're biting that much, you don't know what you're doing or you think you're a sex god/goddess. I nominate those college "playboys" for being most guilty of this one.