It’s nice that you’ve graced us with your presence so early in the year. A cool breeze on a sunny day always makes it easier to walk to class or have lunch outside. But 29 degrees on a Friday night is just cruel.

I know we look like cowards for not being able to withstand much less cold than our neighbors to the north. Maybe you think you’ve spoiled us with weather we can wear flip flops in all year round.

But here’s the thing, weather, whereas people in snowy places have excellent insulated homes and working heaters, the people down here in normally sunny and warm Florida are just ill equipped to handle you.

There are no coat rooms in Gainesville clubs. If you want to go out in below freezing temperatures, you either have to suck it up and wear next to nothing to go out and risk a cruel cold death or you can bundle up and spend the rest of the night in a hot bar carrying around three sweaters.

But worse off still, are those who want to stay home where the cold isn’t supposed to get you, but it does. It creeps in everywhere in our poorly insulated apartments until it’s colder inside than it is outside. There’s no escaping your frosty grasp. And our heaters only work half the time, if you’re lucky to have heaters at all.

So, cold weather, I have a request on behalf of everyone in the Gainesville area: Stay the hell away from here!