If you haven't yet found a copy of The Booze News crinkled in a ball by the trash can or trampled to death on a campus sidewalk, consider yourself lucky. Those that picked it up in the first place were maybe hoping for something like the 1st or 2nd generation Misery Weekly (you know, back when it was somewhat funny), but instead they found a lame attempt at getting even frat dudes to crack a smile at asinine jokes and comments.

Among Alcohoroscopes (i.e. drink recommendations or prompts to strip naked in public places depending on your date of birth) and movie reviews (i.e. rants about how everyone's "wrong" about a popular movie), in the Booze News, you'll find geniuses like the dude that wrote, "How to Have Phone Non-Sex."

This Romeo has all the answers: "The idea behind phone non-sex is that you masturbate while having a seemingly innocent phone conversation with your girlfriend. This way you can fill your phone quota while simultaneously emptying your baby batter load!"

Obviously he's playing the **** card to be funny, but honestly, who would actually read this article all the way through? Besides someone blogging about it on OTR, of course.