Those passionate about facial hair know that there are practically as many stylistic variations of the lovely stuff as there are people in world named John. Facial hair is not just a hair outgrowth; it’s the magic that can turn a regular old Joe Six Pack into a paradigm of mountain man virtue, a dude into a pillar of hardcore rock, a short overalled Italian guy into Super Mario.

Still, many have anathema for facial hair, and you may even be persecuted! Stereotypes will probably register in the minds of said facial hair haters upon first sight. So for all the beard-and-or-stache bearers, here’s What Your Facial Hair Says About You to the judgmental.

The Handlebar Mustache
There are two ways this can go: I’m a homegrown beer-guzzlin’, pork-rind-chompin’, rifle-shootin’ hick from the backwoods. Or I’m a porn star. Either way my name is probably something like Fuzzy Al or Slippery Jim.

The Pencil Mustache
I like small things like little children. I mean mustaches. No I’m not a pedophile!

The Soul Patch
I want to be classy but regard myself as somewhat artsy. Perhaps I search for obscure red wines to sample and attend gallery openings, wear turtlenecks and get suave with the ladies (okay so that’s wishful thinking); maybe I even have an earring. Mais oui, I’m a little pissed that Howie Mandel has my facial ‘do now.

The Mario Mustache
It’sa me! Mario!

The Full Beard
I fancy myself spiritual. I probably smoke weed and/or have questionable hygiene. Sometimes when I eat, food gets caught in the bush and I let it stay there because we’re all One and I feel the love for critters, humans, and asparagus alike. I enjoy tinkering. I own flannel shirts, patchwork pants, Grateful Dead tapestries, or Buddhist texts. Hiking on mushrooms is nirvana, man.

The Dali Mustache
I am crazy. I may look at the world through hallucinogenic glasses. Time is melting. The world is upside down. My mustache curves up. Oh wait, it actually does.

The Fu Manchu
I was a goth or nerd in high school and now as a heavy metal god or grownup am exercising my right to be the contrarian individual I have always been without getting made fun of by styling my facial hair in the most impractical and hideous configuration possible. Sure, my ‘stache looks like evil lobster antennae, but who cares? Anarchy rules! World of Warcraft too!

The Toothbrush Mustache
I am totally oblivious. Perhaps I’ve never read a history textbook in my entire life. World War II?  There were two?