That’s right, Beaver somehow managed to spend $35,000 fighting a line of paint, and is now asking for handouts from the public. Obviously, many of you readers are poor college students, but please consider helping this true American hero!

“I’m a Beaver,” Beaver was heard to say, as he patted mud onto his dam with his large tail, “So I don’t mind global warming; beavers don’t mind getting wet.”

A more tasteful and less obvious joke about Beaver’s name could not be found during the writing of this blog. Similarly, someone who deserves the public’s help even less than Jerry Beaver was not available for comment, due to the fact that they don’t exist.