The University of Texas' football team has lately been popping small white pills before practice to help them avoid heat related injuries, like strokes and pussy bruises.

Well what in these white pills? A dose of concentrated super Gatorade and goat piss (studies show goat urea is a highly effective hydrating agent)? Well, not quite. The pill, which contains a battery, communication coils, circuit board, and a quartz crystal, is more or less a mechanical tool that helps players avoid heat stroke.

It get's hot in college station too, you know; and, no matter how badly our football team sucks, they don't take small white pills, other than ecstasy, to help them perform better on the field.

Maybe if we start taking these pills and get a new coach who doesn't play special field goal kicks every crucial play, we can maybe win a few more games than we did last season!