So, today was the day where I was going to start picking out shitty Freshies, plucking out their bleached hairs like my dwindling moral fibers, one by one by one.

But instead, I have to give a giant "SERIOUSLY WTF?" to the entire class of 2011.

Look at these ****ing names! 'Merlin?' 'Mirjola?' 'Melba?' 'Soraya?' 'Wonja?' 'Makiko?' 'Denali?' 'Abdurrahman?'
What happened to like, 'Ted' or 'Stephen' or 'Liz?'

And as for you, 'Alyza,' 'Caren,' and 'Alyce,' you and your yuppie parents should take the rest of the summer re-learning how to spell your names.

Good luck at orientation week, suckers.

Update:  So, sources tell me it is pronounced "Owen."  Whatev.  I still think it's weird.