What’s the only thing Ivy Leaguers like more than networking, name dropping or investment banking? Competing with each other! This past weekend was the Nautica NYC Triathlon, home of the Ivy Championship. Grade-inflated academics took to the rivers (gross) and streets of NYC to show off their school spirit and $8,000 dollar race bikes. 

So who came out on top? Not the Big Red, that’s for sure. 

Cornell came in 8th, which would have been last place if not for Duke University’s improbable inclusion in the category. (Talk about Ivy-Envy.) Said one participant, “At least we beat Dartmouth.” 

What can be done to improve our standings for next year? Should a mandatory running and biking test be added to our ridiculous freshman swim test? Yes, as long as it is not enforced retroactively, and spectators are allowed to watch.