Rather than rag on the Lampoon for the eight millionth time this month, OTR is seizing upon the chance to provide readers with a refresher course in apocryphal elementary school history.

The tale of a poonster cutting down a tree, as told by Mason Locke Weems:

"This early Sunday morn, a poonster was tempted to run from HUPD after chopping away at newly planted trees, but then, looking at HUPD with the sweet face of youth brightened with the inexpressible charm of all-conquering truth, he bravely cried out, 'I cannot tell a lie. I did cut it with my hatchet!'

One day, this poonster would be president, but the Constitution hates the Irish, rotten papists, all of them.

The end."