As The Reverend so holily pontificated, the tickets for Stephen Colbert's upcoming "I Am America" show at Barton Hall sold out--now completely--within a matter of minutes, with many of the tickets already up for auction on eBay. In other news, millions of innocent men, women, and children continue to die for no reason in Darfur, Sudan.

Beginning at 9:00 AM this morning, CornellTickets.com was stampeded with thousands of eager Colbert faithful looking to attend the performance and be a part of unforgettable history. Meanwhile, for the eighteenth or so straight month, the Cornell campus was not stormed, blockaded, sat in on, picketed, or even made to question U.S. and U.N. policy on account of the brutal genocide of epic proportions.

Tom Sittinfield '08, when asked to comment on Darfur, which continues to appease the merciless violation of basic human rights such as life itself, said, "Darfur? Oh, hey, that's that place, right? I heard about that on Colbert, during The Word. Man, that was hilarious."