Today I had a sad realization: Perez Hilton is not as funny on paper as when he’s Photoshopping penises and “Lezlo” on celebrity photographs with a caption stuffed with bitchy queen snark. Today the Daily Beast published a passage from Hilton’s new book, Red Carpet Suicide, and it was disappointingly flaccid. There was mention of beyotches and Maniston, but mostly it was really a bit blasé.

For example:

Britney Spears snatched Kevin Federline from a pregnant Shar Jackson and married him in September 2004. Jackson says the truth came out only after he flew abroad for a commercial—which became an extended trip with Spears. For some reason, Shar doesn’t get the sympathy I would expect. People should like her more; it's not her fault she got screwed over by Britney. But you know what? Look what happened to both Britney and K-Fed since then. Karma can be a real bitch…

 

Jude Law cheated on fiancée Sienna Miller with his nanny, Daisy Wright. After Law proposed on Christmas 2004, Sienna told reporters, "I'm the happiest girl alive." But in reality, they were off and on after the infidelity, and they split for good in November 2006. The weird thing, the scandal was the best thing to happen to Sienna. Instead of being Jude Law's girlfriend, she became Jude Law's ex, Sienna Miller, whom he cheated on. It took her up a notch. Next thing you know she's spotted with Orlando Bloom frolicking around the enchanted wood.

Okay, that’s nice I guess. It would be fine to read if someone left it on an airplane, you had a four hour flight, and your iPod was uncharged. But maybe it's time Perez accepted that he's a one trick pony.