Summer is the time for rum, swimsuits, and BLOCKBUSTERS.

Here I provide you with a list of the biggest movies slated to come out this summer and how well I think they’ll do in the box office (i.e. my opinions).

Note: I have not seen these movies nor am I unbiased. I’m judging them  based solely on their premise, trailers, and promotional materials.

Key
* = Gigli
** = Performed below expectations
*** = Respectable
**** = The universe imploded


May 30th

Sex and the City ***
Starring: Those four chicks—the horse, the lesbian, Olympia Dukakis, and Kristin Davis
Plot: Pretty much just one giant commercial for Botox and shoes.
Will it be big?: Like that Spice Girls tour, this’ll bring back enough nostalgia to get aging soccer moms off the couch and into the theaters.


June 6th

Kung Fu Panda **
Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Angelina Jolie, Jack Black, Lucy Liu
Plot: Lazy panda learns martial arts and fights a snow leopard.
Will it be big?: No. While Angelina Jolie and Lucy Liu lend their voices, their breasts are absent.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan ***
Starring: Adam Sandler
Plot: Israeli commando becomes hairstylist.
Will it be big?: Tough call. It’s been a while since Adam Sandler’s had a solid hit (according to numbers, Click was his last big one, though according to me it was really Anger Management in ’03). One the other hand, it was co-written by Judd Apatow, the same guy who brought us Anchorman, The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Superbad. I’m going to say yes. Frankly, the premise is too ridiculous to ignore.

June 13th

The Happening **
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Spencer Breslin
Plot: Sh*t happens in the city, Mark Wahlberg escapes to the countryside. Sh*t still happens.
Will it be big?: No. It’s M. Night Shyamalan’s first big film in a very long time so you can bet on two things: twisted ending and creepy little boy. Shyamalan’s been M.I.A. for a while since his last major project (Lady in the Water) bombed. His stuff is just old. I’ll be surprised if this one does well. It’s also coming out the same day as the Incredible Hulk…

The Incredible Hulk ***& 1/2
Starring: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Tim Black Nelson
Plot: Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk.
Will it be big?: For sure. I think this is going to be a Batman Begins—completely refresh the series with a darker look. I also have to point out the phenomenal casting. Norton as the Hulk? Ingenious. However, I think the timing of this movie might be a bit early, since Universal Pictures came out with the Hulk in 2003…and that was a bitter disappointment.

June 20th

Get Smart ***
Starring: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), Alan Arkin
Plot: Based on the TV series, bumbling idiot gets promoted to super secret agent status.
Will it be big?: Steve Carell’s in it. It'll do well.

June 27th

Wall-E *** & 1/2
Starring: Fred Willard, Jeff Garlin, Ben Burtt
Plot: Humans leave a trashed Earth to a small robot programmed to clean up.
Will it be big?: Yeah. Trailer looked interesting. Pixar always does well.


Wanted *** & 1/2
Starring: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Common
Plot: Guy avenges assassin-father’s death.
Will it be big?: This looks like a great film—good plot, Angelina Jolie, and Angelina Jolie’s humps. It’s got a olid cast (you can never go wrong with Freeman and Jolie) and will certainly turn McAvoy into a true movie star (he’s that guy in Atonement).

July 2nd

Hancock *** & 1/2
Starring: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jason Bateman
Plot: Alcoholic superhero goes to rehab.
Will it be big?: Extremely. 1) The trailer was hilarious. 2) Will Smith. 3) Everyone loves rehab.

July 11th

Hellboy II: The Golden Army **
Starring: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones
Plot: “The mythical world starts a rebellion against humanity in order to rule the Earth, so Hellboy and his team must save the world from the rebellious creatures.”
Will it be big?: …So apparently Hellboy (2004) was a success, so here we have the sequel. From the looks of the trailer, they just stuck all the Pan’s Labyrinth rejects into a movie with Hellboy, dragged Selma Blair back in, and made it into another movie. It’s obvious I wasn’t a fan of the first Hellboy. This might be a good movie, but with the competition coming out this summer, I don’t think Hellboy’s going to make much commotion.

July 18th

The Dark Knight ****
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Plot: Really, who gives a sh*t? Nolan's directing, Bale's Batman, and they've replaced Katie Holmes. Not to say, every female in the world will be watching this because of Heath Ledger's death.
Will it be big?: That should not be a question. Of course it’ll be big. The question is just how many records this film's going to own. This is undeniably the most anticipated film of the summer.

July 25th

Step Brothers ***
Starring: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Richard Jenkins, Mary Streenburgen
Plot: Two spoiled guys become competitive stepbrothers after their single parents get married.
Will it be big?: Will Ferrell’s had his share of hits and misses and in my opinion, his humor’s getting a bit old. But the trailer’s pretty funny. So I’ll say this’ll do fairly well.

The X-Files 2: I Want to Believe ***
Starring: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Xzibit, Billy Connolly
Plot: Group of women are abducted, Scully and Mulder come out of retirement and save the world.
Will it be big?: I'm going to ignore the stupid title and focus on the film (or more...its trailer). They’re about 10 years too late, but the secrecy of the project is definitely spurring my curiosity.

August 1st

The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor ** & 1/2
Starring: Brendan Fraser, Maria Bello, Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, Luke Ford
Plot: Brendan Fraser fights the undead in China.
Will it be big?: The first movie was decent. The second one was pretty bad. And then there was that awkward Scorpion King digression. This third one looks extremely predictable. Also…didn’t Jet Li say that he would stop making these martial artsy action movies? The trailer looks alright though, so that saves it from having only one or two stars...

August 8th

Pineapple Express ****
Starring: Seth Rogen, James Franco, Amber Heard
Plot: Stoners get into trouble when they witness a murder by a crooked cop and a dangerous drug lord.
Will it be big?: For sure. 1) The trailer was hilarious. 2) It’s the guys who did Superbad.

August 15th

Tropic Thunder **
Starring: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., Nick Nolte
Plot: Actors filming war movie gets dumped in the middle of a real war.
Will it be big?: ...remember when Ben Stiller was funny? As great as the cast is (or was), the trailer is unfunny. The film is trying too hard to be funny. Plus, I think pairing Jack Black and Ben Stiller together was probably a bad idea—both are very over-the-top actors and too much of that just gets old.


What do you think?