Want an abortion because you're in college and your boyfriend still doesn’t know how to properly use a condom? Want birth control so you can have sex with your gorgeous boyfriend since freshman year of college? Want your appendix out because if you don’t, it will BURST and you will DIE!? Need your stomach pumped because you had wayy too many drinks at that frat party? If you want any of this, you better make your appointments now because in the words of Bob Dylan, times are changin’.

The Bush Administration is at it again—and no I don’t mean concealing vital public information or spending billions of dollars in Iraq while cutting back on education funds for college students—but this time they’re interfering in a patient’s right to be helped.

Doctors across the nation may soon have the right to deny students an abortion, birth control, an appendectomy, chemotherapy, and anything else that suits their fancy (or doesn’t) because of their religious and moral beliefs, according to TIME magazine.

So keep all the crazy-Christian doctors in your college town on your good side because if not, they may deny you that ADD medication you need to concentrate in school, the treatment for that odd-shaped, purple mole on your leg (I thought fake tanning prevented that!?), or the heart transplant when yours breaks after realizing that Bush has been in the office for, yes it really is true, 8 years.

We can only hope that if put into effect, Bush happens to be in the extremely liberal, drag-queen-filled Provincetown, Ma. when he suddenly needs an emergency operation from a gun-shot wound and he is DENIIIIIED (on account of the doctor’s religious and moral beliefs, of course!) KARMA’S A BITCH, BUSH.