Researchers at the University of Florida found that -- surprise! -- drink specials are a really good deal for your money... if you don't plan to drive home. Of the Gainesville revelers polled, those who had taken advantage of happy hours or 2-for-1s were four times as likely to have a blood alcohol level over the legal limit as those who paid full price.

A party-goer's proclivity for the specials was more influential in their drunkenness than basically any other factor. And underage drinkers were especially wasted: two-thirds, in comparison to just one-third in the 21+ range. (Theory: they're drinking twice as fast because they're afraid of getting caught.)

All right, so this isn't all that surprising. Of course poor students are going to take advantage of drink specials, and probably over-imbibe because of them. So, you know, shell out some extra bucks for dinner first and pace yourself with free water and your wallet and your liver will both be happy... right?

Wrong! according to professor Virginia Dodd. No, Dodd warns, we must put an end these drink deals and the "widespread harm" they cause, especially "Ladies Drink Free nights" because...

"Young women who become highly intoxicated (drunk, smashed, hammered or tanked) are exposed to other risks. Such as leaving the bar with someone they don't know and having unprotected sex."

Wow, I'm glad Virginia has so much faith in, uh, me! It's always nice to be reminded -- by a woman, no less -- that women are kind of retarded and, if given free liquor, will become "drunk, smashed, hammered or tanked" to the extent that they would habitually sleep with STD-laden strangers. Apparently guys are immune to such dangers.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Virginia. Hundreds of other post-feminists who hit up Ladies Drink Free nights not too hook up but to take those dudes for as much liquor as they're worth salute you.