If you are a current or incoming student, you probably own or are planning to buy a UC Santa Barbara sweatshirt. I myself have one of those zip-up hooded things with the letters "UC" on my right boob and "SB" on my left.

 I encourage all of you to see the versatility of these initials, they can stand for anything you choose. Think of yourself as a more notorious and original Hester Prynne (You know, she had an “A” sewn onto her shirt for “Adultery.” No? No one took AP English?).

There’s the ever-popular University of Casual Sex and Beer or the more academic claim that U Can Study Buzzed, but why not be creative? If you’re wearing it to a party, for example, you can show your school spirit and be an Uber Cute Social Butterfly, or an Uber Cool Social Bro. In class? Now you’re an Unbelievably Clever Scholar of Books! At a funeral? You can deliver a U-logy (don’t forget the versatility of the “U”!) for the Cadaverous Spiritless Body! Are you a stripper? Tell your clients, U Can Slap my Butt!

You’ll be able to spot me on campus: I’ll be the one thinking up Unnecessary Connotations for Sweatshirt Brands.