Three assault incidents, related only in how they are each uniquely ridiculous, took place Tuesday night:

NO TICKET
The first case was a 24 year old who forgot to RSVP to the house party he tried to get in to. Since he was unable to provide the party members his invitation from the mail, they proceeded to chase him down Arch St. and beat him maliciously

FAMILY MEMBERS GO AT IT WITH GARDEN ACCESSORIES
The second case Tuesday night involved a teenage son, 17 (hopefully not applying to U of M), and his landscaping father. The son stabbed his father’s arm with a trowel. The father, wishing to show his son how to garden properly, grabbed the shovel and attempted provide his son with a better example.

PREGNANT WOMAN KICKED IN STOMACH OUTSIDE OF ARB
A 20 year old pregnant woman was out walking her 1-year-old daughter at 10 pm Tuesday. (Who said teenaged mothers weren’t responsible? A bedtime for a baby? Please.) She got into a confrontation with two women, who then punched her and kicked her in the stomach. The woman later denied that a fight occurred.