Boiler Gold Rush is upon us. Soon thousands of you young, innocent freshman girls (and guys) will descend upon the campus like a plague. For those freshman, here is some advice:

1. Screw the activities. They suck anyway. You get to hear a cheesy comedian talk sex with someone you love; he means masturbation.

2. You’re not supposed to go to college parties, but why else would you come to college a week early? It’s surely not to learn about all of the cool academic programs Purdue offers.

3. Don’t get pregnant. Seriously. It happens every year.

Have fun and skip the activities. You’ll need the sleep after the night of college drinking. Oh and welcome to Purdue or some shit.