You’ve been boozing. Hard. Perhaps there were asinine drinking games involved. Perhaps there was bourbon involved. Then you wake up with a rather painful headache, a woozy stomach, and (uh oh) a strange person in bed with you. This may be awkward, embarrassing, or even anger-inducing. Lucky for you, there are several options.

1)      Act catatonic. Pretend you don’t even see said person. When they turn to you and try to snuggle, become physically unresponsive. When they say something like “That was great last night” or “Good morning gorgeous,” retain vegetative silence. Eventually, they may become so embarrassed and unsure what to do that they leave.

2)      Punch bed stranger. Hard. Remember that you were so obviously drunk that you slept with them and that this is a travesty. Punch the jerk. For justice!

3)      Say “oh crap.” Say it over and over again whilst shaking your head back and forth. Give your best angst expression in the style of Dostoevsky. Mutter tearfully about beer goggles.

4)      Become conversational. Have a little chat. Then drop the A-bomb. Yeah, that’s right. AIDS. As in the scariest acronym ever. Never have four small letters done so much to get people out of bed.

5)      If you are a girl, here’s one for you: start talking babies. Tell the guy that you’re going to name your first child after him. Tell him about how you read that some women orgasm giving birth. Tell him that all you could think about last night during “intercourse” was this titillating fact. You will either never have to see him again or have a real freak of a stalker on your hands.