While you were getting excited for the end of the semester, your favorite celebrities were eloping, suing and having children.

We start off our round-up with the most obnoxious celebrity couple you know: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. The two reportedly exchanged vows in Cabo San Lucas last week in a ceremony that lasted 15 minutes. Congrats to the happy couple, Mr. and Mrs. Douchebag. I’m sure they’ll be back in the states in no time doing elaborate photoshoots for the paparazzi.

In other couples-made-for-each-other (and no one else!) news, as we told you last week, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had a baby and this week, Wentz is defending the baby’s name, Bronx Mowgli, saying: “The Jungle Book is something me and Ashlee bonded over.” Here’s a thought, if you’re bonding with your wife over a Disney movie, maybe you’re too young to have kids.

While on the subject of extremely unfit parents, Tom Cruise had a chat with The Daily Mirror, in which he spoke about his sham marriage and his alien baby. He said about cute little Suri that he doesn’t want to shield her from the paparazzi because he doesn’t “want her to be afraid of people.” Well, it would help if she hadn’t been fathered by the biggest creeper in Hollywood. I wonder if they’re going to take Suri to see daddy’s new Nazi movie for Christmas.

Speaking of being completely out of touch with reality, the Vatican just forgave The Beatles for that whole “more popular than Jesus” comment. They know its not 1968, right? Someone get them a newspaper.

In less hilarious news, Travis Barker is suing the shit out of everyone involved in the plane accident that left him and DJ AM with severe burns and killed four people. The negligence suit names the owner and makers of the defective Learjet, which according to the suit, had several parts that were not “airworthy.” Yup. That sounds about right.

Finally, music fans, you might be sorry to hear that Dr. Dre’s new album has been pushed back so that he can help produce Eminem’s new album. Lets hope the two of them can create something better than the crapfest that was Encore. What’s up with this sudden surge in comebacks? It’s like everyone up and decided to recreate 1999.

Join me next week for more salacious celebrity juice.