Some people forget that Facebook is more than just a way to stalk your ex. It’s not just employers and admissions committees who can check out your profile to judge you. You, too, can use it to see what people are really like, because beyond being a social networking site, it’s a bullshit detector.

Here are all the things you think you’re hiding but that Facebook makes obvious for you:

• If you were in a relationship and suddenly you have no relationship status, everyone knows your relationship is either over or heading there. Especially since despite all your security settings, Facebook will still plaster the fact that you are “no longer in a relationship” all over your friends’ news feeds.

• If your relationship status says “It’s complicated,” what you’re really telling the world is that you’re an overdramatic bitch and you’re probably imagining most of your “relationship.”

• According to Facebook, 7% of all UF students are married. What they don’t include in that statistic is that probably 6.7% of those people are “married” to their bestest friends in the whole wide world. What does that say about you? “I can’t get a boyfriend, but that’s totally fine. My best friend is better than any guy. Unless you’re interested…I can drop her like a sack of trash if you’re interested in me. God, I’m lonely.”

• If you’re one of those people that pretend to be smarter than they really are, you probably have “too many favorite books to list.” Translation: I don’t read.

• If you change your status more than once a day, what you’re saying is that you wish someone would pay attention to you. People probably hate you.

• Next, is the picture. A picture really is worth a thousand words. If your picture involves you doing a keg stand or chugging a drink, what you’re saying to the world is that you try to mask your alcoholism by pretending to be a party animal. A really close up picture? You’re fat. If you don’t have a picture of yourself up but a cartoon, or a flower or a puppy, everyone thinks you’re ugly. And you probably are. And if your profile picture is of your newborn baby, what the hell are you doing on Facebook?

While on the subject of Facebook, I’d like to take a second to address Mark Zuckerberg who recently released a statement comparing the New Facebook to the Newsfeed, which people originally hated and have grown to love. Let me clarify for you, Mark. The Newsfeed was creepy but it was at least useful. The new Facebook is just plain inconvenient. Where before, I could see a person’s profile on one simple page, now I have to click different tabs to see different parts of it. You know what that means? No one is ever going to see your Personal Info, Photos or Applications. It’s just too much trouble. And why is my wall interrupted with all sorts of crap that should be in the separate news feed section? It looks cluttered and messy.

That reminds me, if your status update says something about how much you hate the new Facebook, you are probably the kind of person that likes to complain a lot but doesn’t do anything about it. Send feedback to Facebook developers instead of annoying your friends.