A recent Lantern article discussed the new crime report released by the Ohio State Department of Public Safety. The Lantern does a great job of bullshitting and presenting the facts in a boring manner. That's why we're here: to bring you the facts in a stunningly awesome way.

Alcohol Violations - 670 is a pretty big number, especially since it was a 300% increase from 2004. Get off our backs, ****s. We're boosting the economy.

Arson - Perps have decided that arson is not the best way to go about things and have slowly moved away from burnin' the mother down.

Burglary - After a moderate rise from 2004-2005, the burglars made a strong comeback in 2006 with 329 reports.

Car Theft - In 2004 and 2005 these thieves must have gotten more than just a mileage eater, because car thefts dropped down to a total of 19.

Drug Violations - Half as many as 2004 leads one to believe that the drug business is using much better code words.

Hate Crimes - 0. This is completely unbelievable. Everyone hates someone.

Robbery - 6? Really? Somehow this doesn't sound credible.

Sex Offense - 53 reported; many more forgotten thanks to the aid of booze.
(Note: They have two categories, Forcible and Non-Forcible. If it's not forced, how is that a crime?)

Weapons Violations - Only 7, but it is entirely possible that not everyone with a gun is showing it off in public.

The most interesting part of this report is what isn't in it. Most of the data is "I" (presumably for Incomplete) or a 0, which is highly unlikely. So thanks, OSU, for your half-written, half-incomplete report. Look for all of the 2007 numbers to drop, thanks to Clarett being off the streets.