Do you have trouble finding your way home from the quad? Did you ever ride the 22 for over an hour? If so, have no fear; campus is protected by nerdy kids on bikes (the Student Patrol)!

Although a good idea in theory, scrawny kids on bikes are not the least bit intimidating, especially to a college population. While on duty, 2 members were recently overheard conversing about Anime via walkie-talkie.

You can identify the geek squad by their matching vests and helmets. These human reflectors, often found carrying too many flashlights, can guide you across the quad or peg you to your dorm. Others are required to crash parties for noise complaints, where they hand out warnings that are immediately discarded.

Find the Insomnia Cookies bandit! Otherwise you are valueless to our campus.