Ever since AIM made it possible to talk while away, now everyone appears to be gone 100% of the time. Therefore, everyone always has an away message up. Here are the kinds to avoid being filed under “tools” on someone’s buddy list.

The “Subliminal Meaning Song Lyric” Message – Look, I’ll be honest, back in ninth grade when a girl turned me down to go to Homecoming, I’d throw up the chorus from “Adam’s Song” for a few hours and hope she got the message. But now, it’s time to grow the **** up. In college if a girl (or guy) breaks your heart your away message should read “drinking” and should not be the entire first two verses of a Jack Johnson song.

The “He Could Be Dead” Message – Has your friend’s away message read “sleeping” for the last four days? How about “studying” or “gone” for the past week? Shouldn’t you be concerned? No, because your friend is just one of those dumbasses who never, ever changes their away message. Twice a day is minimum, even if it’s just “awake” and “asleep.” A little effort, come on.

The “Schedule” Message – I do not care about the minute by minute outline you seem to enjoy enforcing on your life with Nazi-like rigidity. Therefore, logic dictates that you do not need to list out your entire day on your away message, complete with exact times and places of where you will be. No one cares about you that much, no one. In other news, in case you were wondering, we’re in the 2:30 PM to 2:40 PM “getting angry about stupid shit” time block of my schedule right now, followed shortly by the “reading ridiculous new comments on The List” part of my day.

The “Conversation that’s Only Funny to You” Message –
TiaraFabulous3458: OMG, did you see her today?
SparklePrincess06: I know, I was like um, asthma much?
TiaraFabulous3458: LOL
What? What is this? Who are you talking about? What does “asthma much” mean? It shouldn’t be a quest to figure out why your away message is supposed to be funny. And if I ask you and you say “Oh, it’s a private joke” expect the response of “Awesome, then why the hell is it your public away message?”

The “Away” Message – Really? You’re “away”? **** you.