I just remembered how much I enjoyed liveblogging the I Love New York 2 premiere last year, so I decided to try something similar with Bromance, and I promise to make it to the end this time. I already wrote about how excited I am for Brody Jenner’s homoerotic tour de force earlier today, so there's no need to re-hash. Oh, and you can watch the online premiere with me here, which will probably work best with the whole “live-blogging” format. If you're bored today and in the mood for some awkward bro-love, you might as well follow along. 

11:02 – “I’m Brody Jenner and my life kicks ass, I’m totally famous for doing jack shit and you for sure want to be like me!”

11:03 – Even Brody Jenner can’t keep a straight face when explaining what a “bromance” is. And he claims it was “his” idea to go around the country looking for a third douchebag friend. He calls one of his friends “Sleazy T.” Awesome.

11:04 – The contestants are kidnapped in their hotel rooms by security for unknown reasons. Why do MTV shows always insist on doing this? I mean I understand it with Room Raiders, since they want you to be unprepared, but this? Why?

11:05 – The guys are all sitting in front of Brody, in their underwear, with Guantanamo Bay bags over their heads. This is the kinkiest thing I’ve ever seen on MTV.

11:06 – So far I’ve seen redneck guy, bitchy gay guy, regular gay guy and lacrosse douchebags 1-4.

11:07 – They have to find two hot chicks to come to a lingerie party. The easiest challenge ever considering they just have to say, “Hey, you want to go to a lingerie party with Brody Jenner and be filmed for MTV?”

11:08 – They’re being shot down, maybe they’re not allowed to say that. In the coming attractions we get a glimpse at the “Hot Tub Elimination Ceremony.” Even the scripted contestant lines say that it’s awkward as hell.

11:10 – Oh they can talk about Brody Jenner. Still not working. Except Polo frat guy. He’s quite charming.

11:11 – Bitchy gay guy is doing real well. He has an unfair advantage. Normal gay guy is just being awkward.

11:12 – Asian guy went to Hooters. Genius!

11:13 – Oh good, this show has a Mr. Boston. Except less of a social retard.

11:14 – This guy I’m calling Paul Walker. He looks like Paul Walker. And is immensely dumb.

11:15 – Oh God, the confessional booth is in the bathroom and called the “can-fessional.” OK, I may have laughed at that initially.

11:16 – Brody’s non-Sleazy T friend, Frank is literally getting misty eyed that Brody is looking for a new friend. Really? REALLY?

11:17 – Normal gay guy scores! His girls are there. Paul Walker has struck out so far as his girls haven’t showed. It must be his ridiculous American Eagle shirt that no one over 15 should ever wear.

11:18 – Bitchy gay guy also has his girls. Gays – 2, Douchebags - 0

11:20 – Brody learns that it’s awkward to fist pound gay guys. That sounds just so incredibly wrong.

11:21 – Mr. Boston’s chicks are hot as well, he accidentally gives away that this is a competition. Ha.

11:22 – Why the **** is Frankie seriously getting sad about this?

11:23 – Ahh man, all the “stud” guys are outside with no girls which is half-past hilarious. Crap, except Paul Walker, he squeezed in under the wire.

11:24 – Frankie is a psychopath. He’s going to kill and eat one of these guys before this show is over, mark my words.

11:27 – They’re all giving Brody toasts, which is apparently the easiest way to demonstrate how absolutely moronic they all are.

11:28 – Redneck guy just proposed a “broast.” Sigh.

11:29 – Black guy is break dancing for his toast. Double Sigh.

11:31 – Asian guy pulls out a calculator…just kidding. But I wouldn’t be half surprised.

11:32 – Paul Walker’s brain is clearly not attached to his mouth. His diamond stud earring must be interfering with his synaptic firings.

11:34 – Frat guy is rapping. Why? Oh God, he has a bromance shirt on. I love this show.

11:35 – Mr. Boston wins for the hottest girls. I would be pissed if I was any of the other girls.

11:36 – Everyone leaves and presumably Brody goes home to have a threesome with the winners.

11:37 – Oh nevermind, they’re in a limo with Mr. Boston. Blonde girls get asked how long they’ve been friends. Since they were two. Aww.

11:38 – Brody makes them kiss. Touching moment FAIL.

11:40 – One half of team gay is not excited about things so far. Guess which half.

11:41 – The description at the bottom of the video tells me that bitchy gay guy is going to quit. Thanks for the spoiler jackasses. It’s like having the end of the Sixth Sense ruined.

11:42 – Luke (Mr. Boston) has a hat that says LUKE on the back. That is all.

11:43 – Bitchy gay guy is leaving because he can’t talk about sex with girls all day. Fair point. Also, he thought he was going to be on The Hills. But he signed up for a show called “Bromance” so he is kind of an idiot.

11:45 – Wow, the winner gets to keep Brody’s obscenely ridiculous penthouse. Hell, I’ll get a diamond earring and an American Eagle shirt if you give me a penthouse.

11:47 – OK, I was about to say that this show hasn’t been nearly gay enough, but the jacuzzi elimination has just been announced. Stay tuned.

11:48 – No less than five instant replays of Brody lowering himself into the hot tub.

11:49 – Absolutely zero people are comfortable with this setup. Even the gay guy.

11:51 – Brody calls Paul Walker out for being stupid. He rebuts by spouting something incoherent. Brody approves of his hot chicks.

11:52 – I guarantee Jacob is going home. Why? Because as you’ll noticed I haven’t mentioned him at all this entire time.

11:53 – Oh, well it says in the ****ing description that he sends Jacob home. Who the hell is writing these things?

11:54 – Frat guy looks like Chace Crawford. That is all.

11:55 – Frat guy just admitted he didn’t come to party with chicks, he came to bond with Brody. Uhhh, want a mulligan on that one? Even Brody calls him on it.

11:57 – In a shocking twist of events, Jacob is eliminated! Who could have seen that coming, besides me and the description writer.

12:00 – Pool party to celebrate! With all dudes! What a perfect ending image to sum up this show.

To conclude, this actually could have been a lot gayer, but I’m sure there’s plenty more to come. This is already better than Paris Hilton’s BFF show, but there is no godly reason I will ever, ever watch Bromance again. I predict Mr. Boston wins. The end.