Princeton ranks a miserable 34 on a list people actually care about: sexual health. Trojan, ironically based in Princeton, NJ, recently released its titillating second annual sexual health report card.

“Availability of anonymous advice, free contraception including condom distribution, and separate sexual awareness programs were the biggest factors in differentiating the top ranked schools from the rest,” the report says. Notice the unbiased reliance on condom distribution.

While the only Ivy League to crack the top ten is Harvard, it’s good to know that intra-Ivy dating is the safest way to go--the highest average “GPA” is 3.28. As usual, Cornell drags the rest of the League down with the lowest ranking at 63.

Too bad not enough Ivy Leaguers have sex for their schools to improve sexual health awareness.