Welcome Week is full of an endless parade of parties, but sometimes its hard to know which ones to attend. And if you don't know which type you're at when you get there, consult my handy new guide:

The Walk Around Party - Usually at a frat or house that is so crowded, the entire party experience involves wading through the crowd with your friends in a single file line towards the keg. Once you reach the keg, the object then becomes wading back through the crowd, holding your beer. You'll find yourself standing back out in the yard where you started (the only place left with any room) with half your beer spilled wondering why that was worth twenty minutes.

The Stand Around Party - The opposite of the the Walk Around Party, a house or frat party with not nearly enough people in attendence. You better pray that you can find a big enough table to play beer pong or a deck of cards to play kings, because otherwise there's going to be a whole lot of awkward sipping and shuffling around as everyone just kind of stares at each other, waiting for their friends to call them with news of a cooler party.

The Block Party - An entire block full of Walk Around Parties where the most fun is usually had in backyards or on the street. The best one in Ann Arbor is the annual Nightmare on Elm Street party on Halloween. These always, always, always get broken up by the cops, since the entire point of the party is to block traffic, so it's best to get there earlier rather than later before it gets shut down.

The Apartment Party - Since there's not a lot of room, it's OK for there not to be that many people involved. Apartment parties are almost always with people you know, which is always the best kind of crowd. Something will inevitably get broken, the neighbors will call the landlord and there's about a one in four chance someone will jump off the balcony, but more often than not, it's a really good time.

The Ideal Party - The best parties involve a house or frat that isn't insanely crowded, where you know at least 20 other people and has a theme to it. The best parties are always themed because college is the only time you get to pretend it's Halloween 15 times a year. Whether it's, western, country club, hilighter, toga,  christmas, luau, CEOs and secretary hoes or the ever popular anything-but-clothes, it's always more fun to dress up. Also, any good party must have a dance floor somewhere to keep the house's energy up. You don't have to dance, but just don't say you don't know how. When she moves you move, just like that.

Oh and I almost forgot to tell you about the pants party. I mean the party in my pants. To which you are invited.