Trying to teach the kid I tutor geometry is like trying to teach my pet rock to play Dance Dance Revolution. It just isn’t going to happen, and even if it did some Asian kid is going to be way better than him anyway.  By the way, yes, I do have a pet rock, and his name is “Mittens.” But I digress; the issue to be addressed here is the massive epidemic of stupidity that has infected this country and most notably our youth. After my “student” reeled off these nuggets of wisdom I lost all hope in the human race:

 “I don’t understand what zero means” (after being unable to add 0 to another number)

“I can’t square this number; this calculator doesn’t have a squared button”

“I don’t understand how to find the length of a line”

(Sadly, these are not made up; I don’t think my mind can even imagine **** this stupid)

 

At this point I want to take out Mittens, smash the kid over the head with him, and leave to go home to cuddle/cry with Mittens (he always makes me feel better, damn I love that rock). Does that make me a bad person, or just a bad tutor?

It’s not that I feel like stupid people need to die, I just feel like they shouldn’t be able to reproduce. 

College students are not immune to this epidemic. Fortunately most college kids provide enough information about themselves online to decide whether or not they are worthy of procreation. Facebook is a great way to identify people that need to be displaced from the gene pool. For example, any member of the group pop vs. soda needs to be sterilized.

 

“Holy ****, I didn’t realize that people from different geographic areas used different words to refer to the same thing? OMG you call the water fountain a bubbler!! I love college!!”

 

You have got to be ****ing kidding me. If you do not understand what a regional dialect is you do not belong in college. I will give you a shovel, and you can go dig a ditch or shine my shoes or something, but your mere presence in an academic institution is appalling and it makes baby Jesus cry. We don’t need to kill these people, but we cannot allow them to have children. Every night I pray for a gun that shoots vasectomies.