Hey, incoming freshman, great news! In addition to your newfound freedom to skip class and desperately try to fall asleep as your roommate pleasures himself, you're also going to gain something else: a giant fat ass.

The "Freshman 15" is what happens when beer meets laziness meets dining hall food that's fried in the same shit that was on those recalled Chinese toys.

But, not to worry, USA Weekend has some helpful insights about how you can avoid a situation where looking down will no longer yield conclusive evidence that you have genitalia. You're probably too busy eating an entire chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in John Madden, so here are the most delicious bits:

1. No complaints about your genetic predisposition to waddle. You don't get fat from not eating.

2. Don't study at a Chinese buffet. In fact, don't eat at a Chinese buffet either.

3. When you're thirsty, stop drinking barbeque sauce. Try a water. It's like nature's version of an iced drink from Starbucks.

4. You're going to be doing a lot of vomitting when you're drunk. Why not try it when you're sober, too?