When asked the definition of a friend, Aristotle answered, “A soul dwelling in two bodies.” If this seems a bit fluffy, there is always the college friend, you know, that buddy who knows when to be the kind soul looking out for the welfare of your body or that body there to help you forget about trials of the soul.

A college friend will:

1) Be there to hold your hair back when you’ve drank too much. It only adds insult to injury having vomit on your hair when you’re booting in the bushes outside of a kegger.

2) Be your automatic beer pong wingman. You can’t just partner up with anyone for this game, which has taken on almost Olympic importance on campuses across the country. There must be consensus on the risk-reward ratio for the bounce shot, as well as self-monitoring of the proximity of each other’s elbows to the edge of the table.

3) Decipher the appropriate reaction to tears. It can be difficult knowing the correct amount of eye contact (overly extended or truncated eye contact can result in the self-consciousness of the weepy person.) When dealing with stoics, this often involves saddling up to the friend’s side and giving a few pats on the back. Others require tissues and that oh so famous shoulder to cry on. The college friend will also offer to then engage in a non-emotional activity like playing Wii.

4) Save you from your own beer goggles. Alcohol can leave your judgment not just impaired but in its inverse, and a college friend will not want you to suffer a hungover walk of shame the next morning.

5) Act like the vending machine that never got its feet on the ground, i.e. the condom dispenser. College friends don’t want you to get warts, and that’s not just because you probably share the same toilet seat pretty often; they care.