Cornell basketball has finally released its 27-game schedule for the upcoming season, as well as its assurance that the team will win absolutely none of them. Almanacs have already begun to lay out statistics of the team's inevitable 0-27 record, which includes devastating losses to Syracuse, Siena, Bucknell, Ohio, and Duke, among many, many others.

The Schedule of Shame includes 13 home embarrassments and 14 road humiliations, but the NCAA has taken mercy: while most Ivy League teams are allowed to play 28 games, Cornell's recent trip to France--presumably to learn how to more gracefully surrender--has saved the 'Red from one heartbreaking, gut-wrenching disappointment.

The meeting with Duke is the first time the basketball powerhouse and the meek, powerless Big Red have met since the 1988-89 season, where Cornell's captain famously sank to the floor before tipoff and begged for his dignity. Meanwhile, the less-than-a-match matchup with Lehigh will be the 15th straight season that the Mountain Hawks have both met and obliterated Cornell.

"We're all really excited about our prospects this year," said head coach Steve Donahue. "Hopefully our fans will become so disillusioned that no one even shows up to the home games so we don't even have to play. I don't know about you, but I'd love to see some hockey."