Today, it looked as if The Exponent's Sex Position of the Week was back after a way-overdue hiatus. On page 2 were five panels of our old friends, the featureless stick figures, doing what could arguably be sexual acts.

But wait... they're clothed. And not they're having sex. Instead, they're trying to trick us into doing exercise this winter with some sort of red circular thing. Alas, it looked like the Exponent had foiled our dirty thoughts once again. 

For a time, there was glory in the Exponent. That glory was named the Sex Position of the Week. The majority of the paper's daily readers are the college students it caters to, and college students like to have sex. Lots of it. Sometimes so much so that sometimes they need to be inspired by new positions in order to rejuvenate the experience. And if nothing else, it was a comedic feature.

Then one week, there was no Sex Position of the Week. Letters to the editor poured in demanding the return of revolutionary poses like "The Study Break" and the "Alabama Crab Dangle." For weeks and months since then, anticipation and uncertainty has plagued the minds of bored and horny students in bedrooms and car backseats everywhere.

But you know what kind of exercise I like to do when there's 10 feet of snow outside with a negative 17-degree windchill? Have sex. So shame on you, Exponent, for raising our hopes of having an adventurous weekend.