Finals week is finally over. You didn't sleep in the last three days but you consumed so much caffeine that your body continued to jerk itself about despite the fact that an EEG machine wouldn't detect a single remaining brain wave. Combined with an insatiable thirst for alcohol, these conditions created the perfect storm of drunken retardation on your last night at school. Everything is very foggy. You're unsure what (or when) you packed for winter vacation and winter weather alerts plague your trip home with delays. Then on your flight home, you had to be the one stuck next to the self-entitled bitch that won't stop complaining about how inconsiderate the airline is for not forcing her connecting flight to wait for her fat ass. After all that, when you get home your family just can't understand why you aren't brimming with the holiday spirit. What's wrong with you, Grinch?!?

You only have a couple days before the holidays, so here's how to get the holiday spirit flowing fast...

• Trample an unsuspecting shopper at the mall. 

• Steal the aforementioned shopper's gifts, and spend all your money on them. Nothing says happy holidays like a negative account balance. In return, receive an exorbitant supply of gloves and socks from every one of your well intentioned family members.

• Practice your fake-excited reaction to receiving utterly useless crap. It generally takes a couple tries before you're the least bit convincing. Watching the younger cousins completely fail at pulling this move off is my second favorite part of the holidays (my first is watching the grandparents be completely honest about how they have no need for their pointless gifts).

• Show your father how much you appreciate all the money he spends on your college education by getting him another shaving-related appliance. Every father can't help but appreciate that extra blade on his razor when he writes those five-figure checks each semester.

• Let some cookies and milk go stale.

• Watch the menopausal females of your family completely lose their minds as they prepare to host a holiday party.

• Watch your father go ape-shit as he pokes himself in the eye with a Douglas-fir.

If you're not full of the holiday spirit after this, then you're probably incapable of feeling joy... and the terrorists win. Happy Holidays everyone!