The only thing more beloved to Notre Dame Fans than the football games are the tailgates conducted a few hours earlier. The mystical combination of kegs and eggs certainly contributes to the exciting energy that surrounds our campus on Saturday afternoons. Unfortunately, there is an evil force that looms around every corner; it preys on the pure, beautiful, warming spirit produced on our campus and exists simply to destroy it. That evil is the abusive and predatory Notre Dame and South Bend police whose only focus is profiting from drinking tickets.

It can be difficult to navigate through the minefield of police officers undetected, especially as your kegs start to get the better of the eggs. Luckily, I’ve learned a few tricks in my first few years at Notre Dame that have helped me to successfully enjoy ND tailgates without legal ramifications.

1. Be cool, channel Fonze, and act like you’re 21. When police walk by your tailgate, they are looking for the baby faced kid to freak out and immediately set down their beer. Hold on to it, and Fonze you’re way out of a minor in possession. It’s also a good idea to put your beer down in between sips so that there is less time a cop can hit you with an MIP.

2. Some of the South Bend Police ride horses throughout the parking lot. Do not feed a horse beer. Do not slap a horse’s ass. Do not challenge a horse to a 100 meter sprint. Lastly, when you see a horse poop in middle of the parking lot, do not consider that acceptable behavior.

3. Some police officers carry around cameras to film underage drinkers as evidence. Just because you’re drinking and the camera looks the same, you should not mistake these officers for the crew of Girls Gone Wild.

4. If you do end up caught by the police at ND, ask them to have mercy because our football team is so terrible that any more punishment would only be cruel and unusual.