PETA (People of Ethical Treatment of Animals) is offering to pay $1 million to the first person who can develop a plan to commercially produce fake meat. Vitro, or the test-tube gown meat could be more nutritional and eliminate cruelty to animals in slaughter houses.

For those of you who are having a hard time putting down the drumstick and adapting to “test tube” meat, here are a few suggestions to cope with the meat withdrawals.

1. Date a pig-headed jock. There will be enough meat in his brain (maybe even pants) to feed you for years.
2. Eat leathered fruit. Once dried, fruit resembles the texture of most animal products, chewy and tough.
3. Shape your food into popular meat shapes. For example, cut your tofu so it resembles a nice t-bone steak, or even dino-nuggets.
4. Buy some “smoked” flavoring. Try adding a dash to your cereal, spreading some of a cracker or even adding it to a smoothie.
5. Put your food on a stick. Everything tastes a little bit more like meat if you can rip it off a stick with your teeth.
6. Revert to sucking your thumb. Gnawing on your thumb all day keeps your mouth full satisfies most meet cravings.