Remember homecoming? (Okay no, that wasn’t a joke…) Well, if you do, then that day of drunken festivities probably reminds you of one sad, persistent fact: Tufts’ football team is an absolute farce.

Tis sad but tis true that if you hail from anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line, your high school could probably beat the elephant shit out of Tufts on the gridiron.

Folks, perhaps it's just time to give up on our football squad and resort to rooting for anyone who reminds us of our beloved college. And in that case, Mr. Sean Tufts is our golden ticket.

He’s a back-up linebacker for the Carolina Panthers. It ain’t glorious, but it’s something—just root for the name, people. Pulling for him sure as hell beats shivering in the freezing November bleachers only to witness Amherst once again make fools out of our strapping young DU boys.

Sean Tufts has only made 11 career tackles since being drafted by the Panthers in 2004. Nevertheless, one thing’s for sure: the chances of Sean earning a starting job have got to be greater than the odds of Tufts beating Williams any time soon.