House Minority Leader and representative of Ohio's 8th district, John Boehner, visited Oxford, OH last night, reportedly to sway the minds of the increasingly Democratic campus. Unfortunately you probably didn't hear about the event until after the fact unless contacted by a member of Miami's College Republicans. This gives me the responsibility of assuming what the event was really about.

JOHN'S COMING OUT!

That's right, Congressman John Boehner is finally coming out of the closet. He apparently tried to hide his growing homosexuality behind his votes to ban homosexual adoptions as well as same-sex marriage. The party didn't end with his announcement, however. Free drinks were reportedly offered to attendees over the age of 21, because you can't justify a vote for him unless you're face first in the toilet, vomiting like the girl from The Exorcist.

As a man that holds no grudge against the way people are born and believes the scientific evidence supporting that people can't control the way their born (I know, I know. Science and fact have a liberal bias), I would just like to say to the Congressman that it's okay. We accept you for who you are. Act fast, though, Mr. Boehner. I hear your old pal, Mark Foley, is single and ready to mingle - wink!