Yesterday, hundreds of University of Pennsylvania students swarmed Meyerson Hall to attend the “I <3 Female Orgasm” program coordinated by sex educators Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

The purpose of the instructional seminar was to demystify the female orgasm and teach sexually inept students – i.e. everyone in attendance – how to help their partners achieve one. Of course, for the latter half of the equation to pan out, Whartonites and Penn undergrads would need to engage in fornication with one another, which may or may not require a small act of God.

At the very least, however, the entire affair has resulted in a cornucopia of embarrassing, cringe-worthy quotes from those in attendance.

From the Daily Pennsylvanian:

"It's a really fun subject that people don't get to talk about," College junior and organizer Laura Ferro said.

If by “people,” you mean “socially awkward Ivy Leaguers,” then yes, you are correct, Laura.

Solot said it's important for females to "keep touching every day, experience whatever happens and don't give up" in the quest to achieve an orgasm.

 

[…] "Each orgasm is unique, like a snowflake," Solot said. There are different pleasure points and different durations of a plateau period before an actual orgasm.

A snowflake?! Why does it sound as though Solot is talking to a group of 13-year-olds?

Then again…

"It totally changed my perspective on the vagina," College freshmen Mathew Lazarus said. "I feel like I have a step up compared to other guys in the playing field."

Yeah – that’s why.

Better watch out, ladies! Tomcat Matthew is on the prowl!