With Halloween (all four nights of it) right around the corner, I had to take this chance to impart some costume-related OxfordCommadian wisdom to the masses. Now, everyone knows that Halloween is just a chance for college girls to dress like sluts – slutty cat! Slutty mermaid! Slutty Sarah Palin (easy enough)!

While I’m getting pretty damn sick of such a ridiculous double standard, I’m about to hypocritically appeal to the entire male population as I present to you a List of Ways to Sluttify Even the Least Sexy Halloween Costume.

1.) Fishnet Stockings
No one (and by no one, I mean myself) knows why fishnets are so tempting, but for some reason, they are. It’s not as if the holes actually make for easy access or anything…you do realize that boys, right?

2.) A Push-Up Bra
This is pretty self-explanatory, and a little more comprehensive than the fishnets. Throw on one of Victoria’s Secrets’ classy little numbers under a v-neck and you could make a toilet costume look sexy.

3.) Heels
Girls are going to hate me for this one, because even though everyone knows that a pair of killer stilettos is probably the hottest accessory on earth, heels are also quite a bitch to walk in. That being said, suck it up ladies – it’s Halloween!

4.) Mini-Skirt
What better way to show off those fishnets than with a tiny little skirt? Just don’t pull a Britney and be sure to wear some booty-shorts underneath – no one wants to see that.

P.S I can actually be quite the feminist sometimes. I swear.