• Scientists have come up with a pill that prevents you from binge drinking. Where's the fun in that? I'd rather have a pill that allows me to knock back a few more.

• Britain’s favorite pastime: stripping down to one’s bare skin, following a garbage truck, and fondling oneself. It’s all the rage in Kennewick.

• Airlines these days are cutting corners any chance they can get. Passengers were crushed on a San Francisco-bound flight due to an unstable row of seats that slid back after take-off.

• Blame Maryland if you become a victim of identity theft. Thanks to a website that publicly lists traffic citations, anyone can access your personal information, including your social security number. That’s what you get for driving over the speed limit.

• Denver fears an attack of ‘feces bombs’ at the Democratic National Convention so they've decided to ban possession of excrement. “Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates sh*t.”