Lovebirds, this has got to stop. It's one thing to to be caught mackin' on the dance floor at a frat (along with 36 other couples, some of whom are doing much more), but sitting on the couch in a well-lit, sparsely populated house party? That's pushing the boundaries of good taste.

Actually, no. That's way beyond the boundaries of good taste.

Look, no one wants to stand around and watch you get to second base. Go ahead, be friendly--we all are after a few drinks--but if I had any desire to see you and your honey doing that, I'd look in your bedroom window. (You'd better close it).