The start of the new school year means new classes, new textbooks and new freshmen. The new kids on the block haven’t a clue what its like to wake up with a hangover or eat ridiculous late night, but that is what we are here for: to teach them the fundamentals of college life and all the craziness that goes along with it. Now don’t get me wrong, the freshmen are as cute as can be with their new Longchamp book bags and getting to class early, but they are much more than little people to gawk at and make fun of. They are the perfect mixture of illegal immatureness and cravings to go crazy. With that said, this is why before we graduate, everyone, at least once, should sleep with a freshman.

1. Another word for freshmen. Freshmeat. Hooking up with a freshman means no one in your social circle will most likely ever find out about your little tyke rendezvous. No one finding out means you can appear less like a slut than you really are.

2. Get to the freshmen early in the semester. They are most likely homesick and looking for a shoulder to cry on. You may not have the energy for tears, but hey, you have shoulder? 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

3. Ah, the smell of fresh linen and febreezed pillow cases. Forget what this is like? Freshmen usually wash their sheets due to mommy and daddy’s “college plan” which means a good night sleep in a clean bed. Well, maybe not clean for long…

4. What is the worst thing about having a one-night-stand? The awkward morning wake up, of course. In a dream world, the person would be gone in the morning giving you time to grab your shit and bounce. Well baby, welcome to the land where all your dreams come true. Freshmen go to class because they don’t know any better which means you can actually sleep in.

5. Though most freshmen have a roommate, don’t be alarmed. This simply gives you a stage to put on a great show. Show them what you got and maybe they will ask if you have an older friend for them.

6. If you are like most of the UW students here who got screwed out of the football ticket lottery, your luck may be turning around. Sleep with a freshman who was lucky enough to get tickets and jack them in the morning. This may seem cruel, but they have the next three years to see a football game, damn it!

7. Ever wish you could erase that long, long, long list of bad decisions you made in college? Consider your slate clean. Sleeping with a freshman means they know jack shit about you and your sleeping around syndrome. Caution: Beware of clingy freshmen who think “they are the one” cases. They are kind of a bitch to get rid of.

8. If pride is a part of the three words you use to describe yourself, this reason may just be right up your alley. A good percentage of freshmen come to school virgins, which may or may not be a good thing. Stealing a freshman’s virginity might seem mean, but hey, it isn’t as bad as stealing their football tickets. Those actually have a price value.

9. If you spent all your money at the bar last night, not to worry. You don’t have to bother with the “do you want to go to breakfast?” speech in the morning because freshmen have meal plans. They don’t need your lousy breakfast; their shit is probably better and paid for by the parentals.

10. From skanks to sluts, whores to horny bastards; we have seem them all at our school and are getting sick of what they are bringing to our campus, literally. The glorious thing about sleeping with a freshman is that they most likely are free of the STD’s that roam your campus each year.

So the next time you find yourself picking up that special someone at the bar, forget asking them their name, where they are from and what they are studying. You only have one question to ask: what year are you graduating?