Yes, it’s true, you can protest anything, including obscure, rarely acknowledged national holidays.Most people leave our other holidays alone, Memorial Day (respect the troops), Labor Day (respect the workers) but Columbus Day? F*** that guy! The controversy stems from a lot of reasons, mainly that over-eager history majors and hippies on campus point out that instead of the shining beacon of discovery Christopher Columbus claims to be, he’s actually kind of a dick.

First it must be pointed out that Columbus did not actually discover America because:

A) He landed in Cuba and Mexico
B) He was trying to get to India
C) The Vikings found America first forever ago (didn’t you see Pathfinder?)
D) Oh yeah, the Indians were already there.

So it really should be enough to call bullshit on him because most of America is under the impression that he sailed over, landed in Maryland, built the White House with his bare hands, and was BFFs with George Washington. No. And you suck at history.

Columbus happened to be the first white, non-horn wearing European to land in America, but probably doesn’t deserve all the accolades. Oh, and all those “Columbus is a killer” chalk drawings you see around campus? That’s because raping and pillaging the Indians he found was on the top of his to-do list, right after “find all those Indian spices.” His disregard for the natives has made many student groups protest the celebration of Columbus Day, and congrats, most of us don’t get it off anymore thanks to you. Or just no one cares about it, one or the other.

Who is actually involved in “Anti-Columbus” protests? That’s like picketing in front of a church because the Crusades happened 1,000 years ago. Time heals all wounds jackasses.