There are some things in life that render punchlines basically redundant: the last seven years, the quality of any movie starring Cuba Gooding, Jr., and tonight's Hatch Shell concert catastrophe: The Beach Boys with John Stamos.

Yes, that John Stamos, third male lead from Full House, will sit in with what remains of white America's favorite nearly-human nostalgia jukebox, The Beach Boys.

Brian Wilson left the group long ago, but he's since been replaced--along with a few hips--by a parade of crotchety crackers who sort of make the band look like the candidates for the Republican presidential nomination.

The show is free, which gives you an idea of how much organizers thought people would pay to see it. It seemed like it would be tough to outsuck the Mellencamp 4th of July gig, but here come the Beach Boys with a veritable Pet Sounds of terrible. Bring your grandparents, but only if they're begging to be euthanized.