“Wesleyan University is seeking applicants for the position of Head Coach of Men’s Basketball”—the internet.

Though he still had time left on his contract*, our own Coach Gerry is dunzo and peaced from Wes. Unlike my parents' marriage, the split was not amicable, nor did it result in getting to celebrate both Hanukah and Christmas. Anyway, Coach’s departure from the school came after many seasons of unrest and tension between staff, players, and parents. “Things got real ugly,” said one of Wes’s ballers/shot callers who wished to remain anonymous. This is all happening right now, and it's very exciting (I mean, relatively). More news to come.

*this is according to a team member, not actual documented fact. He’s nice though, I trust him.

Think you have what it takes to coach the Cardinals? Well, if you play your cards right (ZING), you might get the job. Apply here:
http://www.wesleyan.edu/athletics/jobs-menbkt.html


ALSO: SINCE I HAVEN’T HEARD ANYONE SAY IT, I WOULD LIKE TO GO ON RECORD AS THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THAT YOU CAN MAKE SOME PRETTY SERIOUS PARALLELS BETWEEN ALL THIS HARRY POTTER DARK LORD STUFF AND THE RISE OF THE NAZIS. NICE!