In light of breaking news that Shelley Malil, an actor who appeared in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, was arrested yesterday for allegedly stabbing his ex-girlfriend twenty times, we’ve decided to avoid the tragedy and psychobabble. Perhaps the burden of being sought after and rich and whatnot, would crush the morality and prudence out of anybody, but all we really care about are the Top 10 Petulant, Absurd, & Crazy Celeb Assaults.

10) In April 2008, Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of assault after a 38-year-old man reported that the singer had headbutted him when he tried to hail her a cab. Apparently, Winehouse wanted to make certain that chivalry was dead.

9) Proving that she can fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee, Naomi Campbell was charged with flinging a cell phone so hard at her housekeeper’s head, that the woman required four stitches. This followed an arrest for assaulting her drugs counselor, beating her former assistant with a phone, and attacking a maid who couldn’t find Campbell’s Stella McCartney jeans. What I want to know is, who are these women that accept employment from the supermodel and why don’t they start running when they see her phone come out?

8) In June 2007, Kristy Swanson (i.e. the original Buffy) was charged with assaulting the ex-wife of her figure skating boyfriend, Lloyd Eisler, who she met on the set of Skating with the Stars. Swanson then retaliated with assault charges on ex-wife Marcia O’Brien, while Lloyd Eisler practiced double axels.

7) Scott Stapp of Creed really epitomized the title of his debut solo album, The Great Divide, when in 2005, he got into a fistfight with members of 311. He had told the band that he was a fan and that 311 inspired him, but an aggravated S.A. Martinez of 311 said, “He just went on and on, like some drunk guy who wouldn’t shut the f*ck up, while we just wanted to watch the [Lakers] game.”

6) Pam and Tommy Lee, any of their brawls.

5) Russell Crowe was arrested in SoHo in the lobby of the Mercer Hotel, when he threw a telephone at a hotel clerk, apparently enraged when he could not place a call to his wife despite his stay at one of the hotel’s $3,000 per night suites. He and Naomi Campbell may soon begin a support group together.

4) Remember that P. Diddy song “I Need a Girl”? Well, looks like Mr. Diddy may have been singing autobiographically. In 2007 at an Oscar’s party, Diddy allegedly began hitting on an engaged woman and invited her to his party. When her fiancée requested that the couple leave, Diddy socked him one.

3) In July 2008, Jackass star Steve-o was put into a psychiatric hospital after a security guard filed assault charges against the stunt-ass for punching him at the launch of Paris Hilton’s clothing line in August 2007. There’s nothing worse than a reality TV star assaulting someone to get into another reality TV star's event.

2) Rapper Remy Ma was found guilty of shooting a friend outside of a club in July 2007 when Ma alleged that the victim had stolen thousands of dollars from her purse that night. After telling reporters that she had not shot her friend, her lawyer admitted that she had during his closing arguments at the trial. She was given prison time and after being incarcerated planned a jailhouse wedding to her longterm boyfriend Papoose. After he was caught attempting to smuggle a handcuff key into jail, he was banned until November 2008.

1) In January 2008, a member of The Shins, Marty Crandall, was arrested after his girlfriend, a former competitor on America’s Next Top Model, claimed that a physical fight had ensued between the two. Elyse Sewell, who failed to win the modeling competition, was also arrested and then released, after which she expounded on the situation in her blog, posting photographs of bruised arms and writing, “My ex-boyfriend got ****faced and roughed me up in a Sacramento hotel. I escaped from the room through a blitzkrieg of violence and talked to hotel security, who called the fuzz.” We like to call any punches thrown by Sewell during the altercation “Blitzkrieg Bops.”